Excuse me, but I just turned that off
On Monday night when I first set foot in my dorm room, I couldn’t believe how hot and airless the room was or the stench that came with it. I know this is budget accommodation but you can’t tell me there is no air conditioning…
Well there is air conditioning. Only it wasn’t on. I assumed that the unit was broken or didn’t work (it looks like a relic air conditioning unit used by the ancient Egyptians) because why else would it not be turned on? I inspected its primitive control panel but after pushing a couple of buttons there was no response. How depressing.
So Monday and Tuesday night I had a shit house sleep because it was that fucking hot and stuffy I could barely breathe. And don’t get me started on the smell. Think feet, fart and unwashed towels all mixed together. Putrid indeed. It was that bad that I got up at 4.50 on Wednesday morning, went for a cold shower and then sat in the common room on top of the air conditioning unit (antique from the 1970s) on full blast.
Wednesday afternoon I go back up to the dorm and as I walk in the door, I think for a moment that I must have the wrong room. Hot, stuffy air – gone. Putrid smell – gone. Air conditioner – IT WORKS! My guess is that the housekeepers put it on (yeah, even housekeepers couldn’t stomach such a shithole smell) because no one else would have been in the room since that morning. Regardless of who turned the fucker on, it was glorious.
Since it had been a particularly hot day, I decided to really crank it by turning the unlabelled dial as far right as it would go (I guessed that would be the cooler end of the temperature guage) and punching some of the buttons that were previously unresponsive. I noticed that the right blue button made it extra cold. It kind of makes the air con work like a fridge - although the air is on constantly, a little extra cool air is pumped out every so often. Not only did the room cool down immensely but the putrid smell completely disappeared also. Here it is (the crap on and around the unit belongs to one of the pommie bitches):
After dinner and shower, I was sitting on my bed enjoying the air con when the two Old Ducks came back:
Old ducks: ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh it’s lovely and cool in here, what happened?
Me: I cranked the air conditioner – apparently it works.
Old duck 1: Clever girl, I hope you’re staying a few more days.
A bit later and Frenchie 1 arrives. She is blah blahing about her day and suddenly says:
Frenchie 1: Oh tis a bit cool in here.
Me: Yes the air conditioning is on.
Frenchie 1: Oh I might go turn it off.
Er, excuse me but I don’t think so. Luckily she changed her mind:
Frenchie 1: Oh actually I will leave it for later. It gets a really bad smell in here doesn’t it?
Yes dickhead it does because no air can circulate with windows and doors closed and 12 bodies so close together.
Much later that evening, I was woken from my slumber by a familiar but unpleasant sensation – sweat. Aghast, I realise some fool has turned off the air conditioning. Why would you turn it off? Too cold? If so, then up the temperature but don’t turn it off, we have a serious air flow problem here. I suspect Frenchie 1, as she alluded to turning it off earlier and although she is nice, she doesn’t strike me as all that bright. Plus she is French, which is close to German and Germans tend to keep windows closed during heat waves (I speak from experience). Dickheads. So I promptly got out of bed put the air con back on and went back to sleep.
In the wee hours of the morning, I was again woken but not by sweat – this time by loud pommie bitches returning from a night on the grog. Talking at a 1000 decibels and turning every light on (because having every light on will help you see when you’re drunk), they wake everyone up. They carried on for a bit and just as I was rolling over to yell obscenities at them, Frenchie 2 beats me to it and assertively reminds them of the time (2am) and points out that others are asleep and that they should be too. They apologise and quickly get into bed but not before turning the air con off. WTF is this! So I wait until they go to sleep which doesn’t take long (thank you alcohol) and I turn it back on. It stays that way until I get up early to leave.
Fast forward to Thursday night. I go to bed early because I’m rooted. Air con is on. No longer do I have it cranked. Instead, I have the dial pointed to the little dot on the panel, which I’m guessing indicates a good temperature. Even though the air con is on, I still sleep without even a sheet over me, so it’s not like it is cold. Like the previous night, I get woken a number of times either by sweat or by pommie bitches. It was then, as pommie bitches were going to bed, that I noticed Frenchie 2 get out of bed and turn the air con off. The culprit all along it seems as the air con unit is right next to her bunk. I wait for her to go back to sleep and turn it back on.
At least I thought she was asleep. Turns out she wasn’t:
Frenchie 2: Excuse me but I just turned that off. I am cold. Turn it off.
Me: No, excuse me it is too hot to have it off. There is no air in this room. I have turned the temperature up if you are cold.
Frenchie 2: If you are hot then just take your clothes off. I can’t do anything if I am cold.
Gee, why didn’t I think of that? Sleep naked so then I can brown eye everyone in the dorm and everyone that passes by our door when it opens. Good thing I had my brazillian done before I left. And what if I’m still hot in my birthday suit? It doesn’t come off dumb arse. Can’t do anything if you are cold? Maybe try putting clothes ON, instead of just the singlet and booty shorts you are wearing? What about a blanket? Here, you can have mine as clearly I don’t need it.
Me: I shouldn’t have to sleep nude thank you. I am that hot I don’t have any blankets or even a sheet covering me. Very little air gets to that side of the room. It stays on.
Frenchie 2 then mutters something in French. Probably cursing me.
Early Friday morning, the pommie bitches are up getting ready to leave, making noise as usual. Air con goes off. I immediately get up and turn it back on. What is it with people? Amazingly, the air con stays on for the rest of the morning. When Frenchie 2 gets up she is super nice to me. Maybe she didn’t realise it was me she was telling to get naked. Everyone leaves.
Friday evening I return and two new roomies have arrived, German 1 and German 2. They are getting dressed to go out. The air con is off. I turn it on. Again, not cold but at the dot. I go out briefly and come back. Air con is off again. German 1 is by herself. I go over to the air con unit:
Me: Is this too cold for you?
German 1: Ja, I fink so.
Me: Well it isn’t on cold. See? The dial here is on the dot which is not a cold temperature, this button makes it cold but it isn’t on. So it is at the temperature that is not too hot or cold. Please don’t turn it off as we can’t open the windows so no air gets in. There is also a terrible smell. If it is still too cold for you, don’t turn it off, just turn the temperature up a little.
German 1: Ja, ok zen I vill remember to do zat.
A bit later Frenchie 1 and Frenchie 2 are back. They are chatty and tell me about their day and ask me about mine. Frenchie 2 starts playing with the buttons on the air con panel. I see she presses the cold blast button. I go over:
Me: That button actually makes it really cold. See where the dial is? It is at the right temperature. To turn it on, press the middle button but not the last button.
Frenchie 2: Aaaahhh I getit now. I wasn’t sure you know – it just gets a little cold for me.
Me: Yes I understand that, but you shouldn’t turn it off. We have no air in this room. That’s why your towel smells. If you get cold just increase the temperature.
Friday night I had no problems until the air con was off when I was woken up at 4am but not sure who the culprit was. If it was Frenchies or Germans then, aside from complaining to management (which I am seriously thinking about doing), I’m not sure what else to do. So long as its on when I’m there, they can put up with the heat and stench the rest of the time.
Peace out.
Your father is glad you acted with such decorum while solving the issues surrounding the air con. He’s glad you didn’t become the bare bear and that you have remained his grizzlie bear.
Yes you are better than me i couldnt stand being hot all the time even i would probably swear…..