Trials and Tribulations of Trek America – Part III
I’m just not that into tours, ok?
Farewelling Las Vegas, it was back on the road again to the Grand Canyon. TourLeader wanted to be there by 2pm-ish to ensure TrendyAussieBoy, the Norwegian ladies and I were at the airport on time for a helicopter ride over the Canyon. TrendyAussieBoy and I weren’t sparing any expense and would enjoy a 50 minute flight, while the Norwegian ladies wanted to stick to their budget with just a 25 minute flight. I think it may be the only way to see the Grand Canyon – check the happy snaps below and see for yourself.
After the helicopter ride, TourLeader returned to collect us from the airport and then we drove to our camping ground for the evening. Although it was flat, there were a shitload of rocks. Oh what a joy to sleep on. TourLeader was cooking again tonight but since I had already contributed my cleaning services the first evening, I was relieved from washing up duty. Although it was a bit like pulling teeth trying to get anyone else to do it. Funny that. TourLeader’s camp fire skills improved slightly as well – there was a lot less smoke. She also introduced the group to “s’mores”. Not content with just marshmallows, Americans take toasting over a campfire to whole new level by adding chocolate and biscuit. Once your marshmellow is satisfactorily toasted, you add a couple of squares of chocolate which melts from the heat of the toasted marshmallow, then squish the whole lot between two biscuits, called Graham crackers (kind of like a digestive biscuit that tastes a little like a gingernut) to make a sweet sandwich.
That evening I went to bed with my thermal jocks underneath my flano jammies and trackie dacks on top. I also had on woolen socks and gloves and tucked everything in so the only bare skin was my face. Should stay nice and warm with all that on right? Not fucking likely. I have never been so cold in my life. I thought I was going to die. And because TourLeader said so we had to be up at sparrowfart to watch sunrise over the Canyon whether we wanted to or not, we didn’t even get to sleep during the warmest part of the night – the morning. Was it worth it? Check out the happy snaps and see for yourself.
Later that morning, we packed up and left the Grand Canyon for Betty and Rusty’s Cowboy Camp. TourLeader informed us that Rusty was an old cowboy and was married to Betty – who used to be his daughter’s best friend (what the friendship is like now post-wedding, TourLeader didn’t elaborate). TourLeader promised it would be a much warmer evening and since there would be no showers, she had better come good on her promise. On the way, we had a brief drive on Historic Route 66 and a lunch stop in Seligman, which is the birthplace of the Historic route due to the efforts of resident barber Angel Delgadillo and the Historic Route 66 Association of Arizona. When the interstate highway system replaced Route 66, many of the towns along ‘America’s Main Street’ became ghost towns. Seligman seemed destined for a similar fate but through successful lobbying of the Arizona legislature, Angel Delgadillo and the Historic Route 66 Assocation of Arizona were able to preserve and designate Route 66 in Arizona as an historic highway. Seven other states along Route 66 – California, New Mexico, Texas Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri and Illinois – have since established similar associations as well. Angel Delgadillo still resides in Seligman and although retired from cutting hair, will indulge the occasional visitor.
By mid-afternoon, we had arrived at Betty and Rusty’s property, located not far from Lake Pleasant in Arizona. It was a funny place – I didn’t notice a house anywhere, just animal yards and various shacks, trailers, caravans, wagons and farming paraphernalia strewn about the place. It was hot and dusty and lots of flies – if it weren’t for the cactus, I would have thought I was home again. Betty greeted us on arrival and provided instructions on where we could set up tents, where the loo was etc as we had some time to kill before our sunset horseride with Rusty, who would join us after his nap. We were also introduced to our wrangler, WranglerGirl, who would accompany us on our ride and keep Rusty in line.
When it was time, Betty asked those of us who were riding (everyone except KoreanGirl3 and the Norwegian ladies) to follow her to where the horses were saddled and waiting. Betty inquired of everyone’s riding experience – it’s a bit of a worry when I turn out to be the most experienced – before giving us a crash course in horseriding. Her brief lecture was momentarily interrupted by the arrival of Rusty. Quite the character, Rusty looked like he had just stepped straight off the step of an old Western movie. Rusty informed WranglerGirl that his whiskey was in her saddle bag and not to let him forget it. Betty then finished up her lecture before delegating a horse to each of us.
With everyone in the saddle, WranglerGirl led us out the front gate. Somehow I managed to get stuck behind KoreanGirl1, who clearly did not pay attention to Betty’s Riding for Beginners 101. She spent half the ride with her feet not even in the stirrups and in order to get her animal to move, would throw her arms and legs out in a star-jump formation and yell Go! Naturally, her little pony took full advantage of this by grazing the entire ride and generally got in everyone’s way. We followed some old Indian trails around the property and enjoyed some lovely views of Lake Pleasant and the surrounding landscape. We even saw a big, hairy pink-footed tarantula. It was a very pleasant way to spend the afternoon.
Back at the camping area, Betty was busy at the BBQ cooking our steak dinner and informed Rusty that Bandit, one of the dogs, got kicked by a horse (NB Rusty is deaf and although he has hearing aids, he doesn’t always have them turned on):
Betty: I thought he must have been bitten by a rattlesnake the noise he was making. Howling! It was that old Mary horse that did it.
Rusty: Yew say wha woman?
Betty: IT WAS THAT OLD MARY HORSE!
Rusty: Dat lil’ Jerry horse?
Betty: WE DON’T HAVE A LITTLE JERRY HORSE!
Rusty: Woman quit hollerin’ at me! Dat’s why I got dem hearing aids cos yew hollerin’ at me all the time now I can’t hear nothin’!
Betty’s campfire skills were far superior to those of TourLeader and she had several camp ovens amongst the embers. Dinner was ready shortly – you got your steak medium rare whether that’s how you had it or not – and Betty had us line up at the BBQ where she dished out the steak and then you helped yourself to salad, veggies and garlic bread. After dinner, Betty and Rusty enlightened us with some stories:
Rusty on being a lesbian:
I met dis gal from San Francisco and she asked me if I was a real cowboy. I said to dis gal well I ride ‘em (cows dat is), I round ‘em up and I castrate ‘em so I guess I am a cowboy. Then she told me she was a lesbian. Now I never heard of no goddamn lesbian before, I didn’t know what it was! So I asked her. She said to me well, at night when I go to sleep I think of gals and then when I wake up in the morning I think of gals. I said, well shit! I do dat tooooo! So I must be a lesbian!
Betty and Rusty on the time Rusty dislocated his shoulder:
Rusty to TourLeader: Yew friend ol’ Shaggy was here wit sum gal and we took her ridin’ up yonder. Well Shaggy dared her to take her top off and ride back down and I’ma a dirty ol’ man you see, I wanted to see her boobs!
Betty: Rusty! That’s not essential to the story!
Rusty: Well anyway, I was on this ol’ bronco and he bucked me right off!
Betty: It was a terrific fall! He came off and went head over heels down these rocks. He should have been dead! But he just laughs and keeps on riding!
Rusty, gesturing at Betty: I bought her dis king size bed and it still wasn’t big enough for her! She kept pushin’ up against me and oh I knew what she wanted! She wanted the whole damn bed! Pushed me right outta it!
Betty: Oh how he hollered! Cussing at me, I didn’t know what was going on. He says I pushed him out of bed and he was in so much pain, he says he couldn’t move! I said you only fell out of bed Rusty, stop your cussing. But he wouldn’t quit complaining so we took him to the hospital the next day and the doctor said he had a dislocated shoulder! He falls off a horse without a scratch but falls out of bed and dislocates his shoulder!
Next morning, we were woken early by the roosters – Betty says that they keep the scorpions and tarantulas away but I’m sure chickens would do this just as well as roosters. Betty was up early getting our breakfast ready – biscuits and gravy. It didn’t sound terribly appetizing but TourLeader assured us the biscuit wasn’t really a biscuit and the gravy wasn’t really gravy and being a common Southern breakfast, we would find it very good. TourLeader was almost right – it wasn’t really a biscuit, it was a bit like a savoury scone and was quite nice. I thought the gravy was really gravy just lighter in colour and with mushrooms and I wasn’t terribly fond of it – it was one of those things that’s ok for the first few mouthfuls but then makes you feel sick if you kept eating it.
After breakfast, it was time for TourLeader to inspect our tents and instruct us on any cleaning that might be needed. I thought cleaning would be interesting since we were at the dirtiest and dustiest stop of the week. Basically, with the tent still up but tent pegs out, we were to shake the dust and dirt out by lifting the tent up from the back and kicking the floor of the tent so the dust and dirt would go out the door. Any dusty footprints, bird shit and other gunk would have to wiped off with a damp sponge. Since KoreanGirl3 had done a good job of putting dirty footprints everywhere, I got the sponges and some water. KoreanGirl3 decided to take some initiative and wipe up the footprints – only she started at the tent door and worked her way back into the tent and then made muddy footprints by walking back out again. So I went back over it and cleaned all the spots she missed the first time. We then folded the tarp and tent and were ready to roll when I said we should wipe the tent as we rolled otherwise it would just go into the carry case covered in dust which I thought made the entire cleaning exercise pointless. Since it was just dust on the outside and not wanting to put the tent in the carry case wet, I had a sponge that was barely damp. So as KoreanGirl3 rolled, I wiped. This worked well until we got to the end of the roll and KoreanGirl3 decided to help me wipe by getting her own sponge – which was sopping wet. Of course she didn’t realize this was a bad idea until there was a great big puddle on the rolled up tent. Before she soaked the entire thing, I told her to squeeze the water out of her sponge. She did this – right next to the tent, so that as the water hit the dirt, mud was splashed all over the tent. Fucking useless.
After some final housekeeping and good-byes to Betty and Rusty, it was back on the road again for the last time. The drive to Los Angeles was pretty uneventful. According to the tour itinerary on the Trek America web site, we were supposed to have an included tour of Hollywood. This tour supposedly included all the sights of Hollywood Boulevard (walk of fame, Kodak Theatre etc), however, TourLeader informed us on the first night that no such tour would be happening and we would only be seeing the Hollywood sign – if we had time. We arrived in Los Angeles a bit earlier than TourLeader anticipated so she drove us up Mullholland Drive to see the Hollywood sign. Talk about nothing special. Since we were so early, TourLeader said she would drive to Hollywood Boulevard and those of us who were continuing on to the hotel, or elsewhere in the direction of the hotel, could have a bit of free time to look around. This didn’t include me or the Norwegian ladies as this was our stop to disembark. Not that I was disappointed – I wanted to get away from the camping virgins and into a shower and clean clothes as soon as possible. Since no one wanted to be my friend on the tour, TourLeader was the only one that said good bye to me so I thanked and tipped her before I was on my way, relieved to be the one in control of my destiny once again.
Peace out.
I reckon meeting Rusty who thinks he’s a lesbian could be included as one of your Princess on the Road highlights.